I should start by introducing myself.
Not my name but who I am.
I'm a woman who survived her past.

When I was a child my mother moved us in with a man who raped me repeatedly.  I tried to tell her about what was going on several times but she didn't believe me.  When the day came that she finally did believe some of what happened she gave me the choice.  She told me we could leave.  But that if we did we wouldn't have a nice house or cable.  And that mommy would be very sad.  She told me he was sorry for what he did and would never do it again.  So when the cops came to my school to talk to me I repeated what she said.  "It's ok he is sorry for what happened and it won't happen again."  They left me in the house with my mother and her boyfriend.  The physical penetration stopped but not the other forms of abuse.  When I turned 18 and tried to bring up my charges the police told me the case was closed and I was not allowed to.  Threw different support groups and word of mouth I have found out about multiple people he has done this to.  I found out from some of my friends that during our school years they didn't want to visit because he was "Handsy" with them.  I've tried to talk to my mother about this but she won't hear it.  Part of my trauma that I still fight in my own head every day is losing track of dates.  I mix up years and months in my own head without even realizing it.  Because of this she doesn't believe me.  I got a year wrong so again in my life I'm lieing to her.

Predators preen not only the one that predate on but also the family surrounding them.  This leaves many of those who live threw pasts like mine outcasts in their family.  Because of how close he was and still is (my mother married him well after she knew about what happened) I wasn't allowed to talk about what happened.  I was told to tell no one in the family.  When some of my baby cousins were predated by another person I wanted to reach out to them.  I knew I couldn't change what happened to them but I could let them know it's not the end.  You can learn to live, move past it and have a life.  Not that I believed my life was a good example of it but I wanted to help.  I was told by their mother and mine that I shouldn't.  That they didn't need my stress.  Last thing I wanted to do was stress them.

This blog and the pages to go into it in the future will be about what happened to me.  How I'm living since that time and what I do to cope from day to day.  I know that I was not able to be there for my own blood when they suffered but that does not mean my story can't help another.  Maybe help a mother to see preening going on inside her own situation.  Or give a young boy or girl the courage to go to the police and say what happened to them.

One of my greatest regrets is that I didn't tell the police what I felt inside.  That I only repeated my mother's words.  There were others after me.  If I had said more.  Maybe they wouldn't have to be screaming in their sleep today.

I can not promise to be blogging daily.  There are days I am shaking so bad I can't hold a glass of water let alone type. But I will try my best to get as much down as I can.  There is still much locked away in my head that I can't fully remember.  Bits and pieces float up to the top but everything is blurred like watching a movie threw a rain dappled window.  The feelings and pain from it however surface with it.